Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
