the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
