he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
