She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize