Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
