ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
