The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
