my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
