Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
