My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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