Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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