so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
