These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
sarcasm needs its own font
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
