I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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