loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
