I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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