On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
