I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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