Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
