Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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