I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
