Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
