apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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