Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
