just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I want her autograph on my taint
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
A bitchslap is in order.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
