so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
