So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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