While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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