am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
