I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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