i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
