Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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