im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
