I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
