had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize