I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
