Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
