Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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