you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
