I can tuck mytits in my pants
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
