Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
