I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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