my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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