I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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