you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
