It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
