ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
