after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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