She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
