Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
