Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
