I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
