Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
