Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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