I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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