i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
